Some days I am sad and despondent. I am tired of trying to live a happy life with the chaos and trials and addictions around me.
Sometimes I am just tired of trying. But my Savior’s grace is always near. When I pray and tell God everything I’m feeling, I feel my Savior’s protective and loving arms around me. I know that I am worthy of peace and serenity. If I pray and tell God what I am feeling then He does for me what I cannot do for myself. He lifts me up so I can see and notice the many blessings in my life.
I look around and see the beauty of the world God has created all about me. I realize again that through the atonement of Christ and through His grace I can find joy. There is peace and serenity to find amid the chaos that surrounds me.
I am a perfectionist. I think this behavior is a result of growing up in an angry household. I tried hard not to do anything wrong so the focus would not be on me. When I make a mistake I do way too much negative self-talk.
In support meetings I watch people laugh at themselves for mistakes they make. I realize that I would have derided myself for that same mistake. I wonder how they can be so gentle with themselves. I envy their ability to casually put off the mistake and laugh about it.
“How important is it?” helped me to see the difference between mistakes that do not really matter and other problems that need more serious effort. Maybe mistakes are more about responsibility than judgment. I am learning to not judge myself and to be as gentle with myself as I am with others.
Sometimes change is hard.
It is so hard and sometimes very painful to talk to family members and let them know that I am no longer willing to continue to be around their negative influences or behaviors. It is especially hard when they deny their behavior. Sometimes I am afraid that I will have to leave or limit my contact with a loved one. Change is hard.
I am aware that I still want my loved ones to be different so I can be more comfortable. I know that this may or may not happen. Trying to fix others to suit me is fruitless and frustrating! I recognize that I can only control and change me. How others behave is up to them.
I don’t have to continue to act as if inappropriate behavior is acceptable. Maybe I will leave the room. Perhaps I can say something. I always have choices. I can find happiness, peace and a sense of personal power as I change myself to suit my needs even if I am the only one around me that changes.