Trying to fix is controlling.
Instinctively I want to fix the problems around me. I want to fix them even if they are not my problems, or especially if they are not my problems. Fixing helps me to think of myself as being dependable and responsible.
I heard in support meetings to “mind my own business”, that I was keeping others from learning and growing and that fixing others people’s problems was in fact enabling them in their addictions. These ideas took me awhile to understand because I thought I was supporting, helping and serving others as well as being dependable and responsible. I realize that by solving problems for others I am not allowing them to gain knowledge and growth from working on their own problems.
I still struggle with knowing whether I am supporting, helping and serving or whether I am enabling and keeping someone from growing. But, I know that God is an expert at this. When I turn to Him and ask, I can know whether I need to support others by working with them, lovingly standing by, focusing on my own problems, or doing something else that I had not even thought of.
Expectation = Resentment.
“An expectation is a premeditated resentment”. “Resentments can be cured by gratitude”. “When I feel anger, resentment or fear, I ask God to help me feel it, learn from it, and release it”. “Resentments, self-righteousness and self-pity always come through”. “Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim”.
It is taking me awhile to let go of being a victim. I do not consciously think of myself as a victim. But, as I learn from reading and from support groups, I realize that I do think and act like I am a victim of my circumstances and have no choices. This is an attitude that is deeply ingrained and affects all areas of my life.
I did not want my resentments anymore but had no idea how to get rid of them! When I realized that my resentments were not necessary and really did not protect me from the people around me or from my circumstances, I was ready to let them go. The sayings above and the atonement of Jesus Christ are helping me to slowly root out my resentments and my victim attitude.
I have choices and I can choose to dream and do and become. Today I choose to let go of resentments. I am not a victim! A creative and loving God is my father. I can choose to be grateful, creative, loving and happy.
I can support me!
I sometimes want someone to read my mind and give me everything that I need and want. Well, there is someone that can do part of that – ME! Some of my support can come from me.
I can be gentle with myself and give myself love and affirmations. I can notice my own growth and progress and pat myself on the back. When I surround myself with others who love me I will get more love and support.
I live with much less worry and stress when I am gentle with myself. When I notice my good qualities and gently work on my weaknesses I am giving myself love and learning to like myself. When I give myself affirmations I feel better about myself, feel more self-confident, empowered and courageous. I am a creative, happy, responsible and capable person!
When I take the time to look back and see the positive growth in myself I am giving myself approval and love. I have accomplished much! This gives me courage to continue to move forward.
Sometimes I just need love and a hug. My loved ones are often unable to give me the love and support that I need. But maybe it is illogical to expect one person to give me everything I need. I do have friends and family that can give me love and support. I just need to speak up and ask for the things that I need. Every person is different and has something different to offer. I don’t have to get all I need from one person. When I give love and support to others I receive some in return. And I can give myself love and support.
Walls keep me isolated.
Through support groups I am learning the difference between walls and boundaries. Walls keep me isolated and keep me locked inside. Walls are firm and do not move. Boundaries keep me safe. Boundaries are flexible and are made with love for myself and those around me.
I have made walls most my life. That was how I kept myself safe, but they also kept others out and me alone inside. I hide inside walls I build by getting lost in books. Reading about other people and other people’s adventures keeps me from enjoying others and from having my own adventures with others. When I stay at home and don’t go to meetings or out to meet with friends or family I build walls of isolation. I isolate when I keep my emotions and thoughts inside and don’t talk and share and learn from others. When I react with anger or self-righteousness I build walls of bad feelings.
When a loved one does something that does not feel good, I can act with love and create loving boundaries. I can lovingly decide what I am going to do in response to others’ actions and words. I am free to change my boundaries at any time if they don’t work for me any longer or if I find I cannot follow through with what I thought I wanted to do. Boundaries don’t isolate me. They keep me safe spiritually, emotionally, physically and socially. Healthy boundaries give me more self-confidence and help me to be gentle with myself and others.