Am I losing myself?
As the daughter and then the wife of those with addictions I learned early to take responsibility for everything that my loved ones did and did not do. Since I was the “sane” one I thought it was my duty to be responsible and to save my loved ones from themselves.
As time went by I did not notice that I was losing myself and that my life was becoming more and more out of control. I did not take care of myself because I was too busy caring for others and taking care of their responsibilities. I tried to avoid any conflict by being the best daughter and the perfect wife so that I would be seen without fault. I wanted my loved ones to recognize that they were the problem, not me.
In support meetings I learned that this was crazy acting! I learned that I am not responsible for others. I am only responsible for myself. I am responsible for my thoughts, my feelings, my actions and my health – everything about me. No one else is responsible for me and I am not responsible for anyone else. I realized I have rights and my loved ones and all those around me have those same rights. It is my responsibility to take care of my own well-being and my own sanity.
I got caught up in worry, anxiety and fear while living with and around my loved ones with addictions. A downward spiral left me feeling these negative emotions continually. This went on for years. I never felt the spirit so I thought that God had left me behind. I believed that God only spoke to special people – like prophets.
I did not realize that I could not feel the spirit while feeling strong negative emotions. Heavenly Father knew that I was not receiving His inspiration so He put things right in front of my face that showed me that He did love me. He gave me a friend that encouraged me to go to 12 step meetings and finally took me with her.
As I began to heal and to feel peace, joy, happiness and serenity in my life I also began to feel the spirit again. I realized that God had never left me, that He was always there and walking beside me. It was the strong negative emotions that had kept me from feeling His gentle promptings.
As time went by and I gained spiritual experience I learned how to recognize inspiration from God. I learned that sometimes He lets me figure things out on my own and learn by experience. I learned to ask questions throughout the day and to trust the thoughts and feelings that come into my mind and to follow guidance quickly. I learned patience and to have peace in my life as I realized God always answers my prayers in His time.
Revelation is a gift from God that I need while I am here on this earth. It is available for everyone. I need to take time each day to be holy so that I can continue to gain spiritual experience and receive revelation. I want to always recognize that God is walking right beside me.
I cannot fix or control anyone else.
One of my weaknesses is trying to fix people. I think I know what everyone else should do, but often have no idea what I should do. I am learning to focus on myself and to think through things and make decisions for myself.
I really do not know what is best for someone else. Thinking that I know what is best for another person is just another way I show my own illogical thinking of trying to control the uncontrollable – other people, places and things. When I go to support groups I am around many people that have lots of problems and live in various circumstances. I can help others by letting them talk things through and by sharing my own experience, faith and hope. I am not helping when I tell another person what they should do or say or how they should feel. I am falling back into my own weaknesses.
I need to remember to allow others the freedom and joy of learning, growing and thinking through and solving their own problems. I am learning to take responsibility for my own life and I can allow others the same privilege.
We all see things as we are not as they really are. Support groups help me to put things in perspective.
Going to support meetings helps me to be honest with myself and to see things as they really are. Things are rarely as bad as I think they are and at meetings I hear that “no situation is hopeless”. I can talk to others and see where my thoughts and actions are illogical. As I listen to others I discover ideas to use in my own life. I see others in far worse situations than my own that are happy, joyful and have serenity and I realize that these qualities are within my reach. I often come to a meeting feeling down and I time and again leave feeling buoyed up and hopeful.
Support groups are helping me learn how to leave my crazy, illogical thinking behind. I’m learning how to be honest, easy going and happy in my everyday life.