I can be gentle with others and with myself

I can be gentle with the words I say.

I am slowly learning to be gentle with the things I say. I’m learning that it’s OK to not say anything, to think about it, to pause, to check in with God, to see what I think about things, to listen, to ask questions, to say “I’ll get back to you”, to say “you could be right”, to say “I’ll think about that”, or to say “maybe so”.

When I get emotional, things come out of my mouth that I wish I had not said, or they come out loudly, or I cannot think what to say, or I say mean things. I can be gentle with others and with myself when I take some time to “THINK”. I can even go back and amend something I’ve said if I make a decision under duress or have said something I wish I had not.

“Say what you mean and mean what you say, but don’t say it mean”.

Will my words be:

T        thoughtful

H        honest

I         intelligent

N        necessary

K        kind

Serenity = the space between impulse and action

Why are they so mean?

Mean or feeling guilty?

Why do my loved ones snap at me, say mean things or criticize me? When this happens I tend to fall back into my old coping mechanisms of hiding and feeling fear and anxiety.

My support groups tell me that my loved ones lash out at others because they feel guilty. Sometimes I just wonder why they are so mean. I don’t know why they do and say as they do. It could be for many reasons.

I do know that when I can just let it go, like water running off my back, then I am much happier. When I take it personally it can send me into an anxiety and fear episode that can be difficult to extract myself from.

Today I want to be happy and have peace and joy in my life. So, I take a deep breath, remember all the tools I have learned, choose one that applies and practice using one of my new coping methods. Soon I am able to relax. I am happier, more peaceful and joyful!

My life is a soap opera?

My life is not a soap opera!

I used to tell people that my life was like a soap opera. Bad things just seemed to always happen to me and my family. I did not know what to do about any of it. I always felt like a child, even as an adult and that I had no control over anything. I thought everyone else knew more than I did.

I was a timid and shy child. As I was growing up, I learned to hide. I hid in my room, in books, in being quiet. I learned to appease, please and placate.

I’ve been married multiple times. My marriages have not been easy because of addictions, bad communication skills, depression, etc. We have all suffered and learned many negative coping skills.

Going to support meetings has shown me that I was thinking of myself as a victim and others as perpetrators. This thinking affected how I treated others and how others have treated me. As I have been able to let go of being a victim, I realize I do have control over me and my life and that is really the only thing I do have control over. I feel like an adult for the first time in my adult life and am learning to make decisions and to take care of myself. Now that I am not thinking of myself as a victim, I can see the good in others and in myself and look on the bright side of things. I have given myself permission to be happy and to “take life on life’s terms”.

Why would I want to detach?

Detach with love.

Learning to detach with love has been an interesting adventure. I used to be very obsessed with my loved one’s (and friends, acquaintances, students, etc.) lives. Learning that I can’t really control other people, places and things, that I really only have control over myself has been eye opening.

I am much more peaceful and have more time to create and serve others when I’m not so busy obsessing over what others do or don’t do, think or don’t think. When I take care of me and my own responsibilities, it takes 100% of my time. I am doing a much better job taking care of myself now than when I thought everyone else was my job. Of course I did not think I was trying to control others. I thought I was being helpful and serving them. I did not realize that what I was actually doing was often enabling them in their addictions or teaching them that they did not know how to take care of themselves.

To “detach with love” is not callous and uncaring. I can be loving and kind as I refrain from taking over. I can be a good listener as I allow others to make mistakes and to learn and grow. I show others that they are capable when I do not allow myself to jump in or take control.